Trashed

Ah, once again. She’ll awaken to crusty eyes from the previous night of fuckery. Looks like she’ll be moving on again. Her bags have been packed. Clothes stacked. Insults hurled. Voices raised. Closed fists. Bruised egos and insecurities. Unnecessary suspicions and mind trickery. She’s strong, I’ll admit. A soldier at heart…but….she doesn’t volunteer to go to war. Much rather be a lover and a fighter..

…….As you can clearly see, she’s been so gently placed outside of her uncomfortable comfortability.

Like always, She’ll carry her bags to her car. Wipe her eyes. Drive away like the tired woman that I know she’s become. I scold her for being so hopeful…so vulnerable…so open…No justification.

It wasn’t her this time. At least she can walk away with knowing she did her best. Even with the intentional insults and attempts to deflower her…She can still carry her variety of bags filled with clothes, hair products, and emotions on to the one place she always goes when all else fails..

home…

The Lily and The Rose

The lily smells just as sweet as the rose does
both aromas exploring my nostriimagels…

When I reached to explore the touch of both, I found that one hurt. The rose…bright and sweet. Bold, with protective measures that demand that it is to be handled with care. Or it simply doesn’t want to be handled at all. Solitude.

And even though I’m aware that the rose stings from constantly pricking my finger against its thorns…from countless attempts to embrace it…For some reason I can’t stop touching it. I’m intrigued by it. Tears and ecstasy. Pain and pleasure…and although the lily is equally beautiful, embracing, and safe, I resent it. I refuse its attempt to pose as a possible suitor. And even though I know that I risk pain from constantly being hurt by the rose..from my attempts to embrace it. To love it. To choose it for my taking…I realized that I just can’t seem to choose the lily that equally wants to love, embrace, and choose me.

10 Questions Women Should Ask Themselves Before Dropping The Knickers

The next time you decide to open your legs for a man, I want you to ask yourself these questions first as a prerequisite and then decide if you still want to do so:

1) Has he really gotten to know you? Does he ask you questions (without prompting) about your life and experiences. And if he does, does he seem interested?

2) What has he really done to win your interest? Do any of these things benefit you?

3) Are his intentions clear with what he wants from you and with you?

4) Do you really like him? Are you settling?

5) What kind of position will you be in once you have sex with him? Is it worth the risk?

6) if an accident happens, will you be willing to accept that he could potentially be the father of your child?

7) Are you willing to give up your control of the situation?

8) Are you willing to take the chance of potential heartbreak or creating a potential avenue for love?

9) If you decide to change your mind about having sex with him, how would he react?

10) Are you doing it for yourself or him? Why?

Feels Like…

It feels like a rainstorm that ruins your sunny Saturday picnic, knowing you’ve had your hopes up to enjoy some quality time with someone special. It’s the feeling you get when you realize you’ve only got a drop of water left in your jug after walking a thousand miles across the Sahara. It feels like checking your lotto numbers..assuming you’ve got the winning numbers only to find out that those numbers were from last week. It’s the feeling you get when you receive a birthday card only to conclude that there wasn’t any money in it.  You know, that feeling you get when you’ve worked really hard on a school project only to get a C+ (WTF!).

It’s the feeling you get when you wake up early in the morning…late at night..throughout the dawns of the day… to greet someone on your mind, only to have them respond days later. It’s the feeling you get in your heart when she tells you about other men she’s interested in (even though you’ve poured your heart out). It’s that feeling you get when someone gives you instructions on how to bake a cake, yet they don’t follow their own recipe when they make theirs. It’s the feeling of buying someone a gift. A gift that you’ve given great consideration… because you listened to their thoughts, hopes, and dreams…only to have that gift unopened, unread, unused…It’s the feeling you get when you’ve said so much and received so little. It’s the feeling you get when you give someone lemons and they make lemonade..for themselves… It’s the feeling you get when you’re out of breath, heavily panting…and the other person breathes clear and content…..

That’s what it kind of feels like to love an emotionally unavailable person.

Because no matter how hard you try.  No matter how hard you pray.  No matter how much time you invest…No amount of wanting things to be different can change the reality of things. We know the reality of these situations we put ourselves in.  We choose to have hope.  We choose to pray about it.  We choose to ignore it.  We choose to believe we have the capability to change someone’s heart by modeling…molding…loving…needing…
We get our hopes up just be let down. We get excited. What we do is give those people more energy to find themselves while we slowly lose ourselves in the process.  After a while, we become tired…dramatic….frantic…and mentally drained..

Becoming selfless so others can practice selfishness.  We lose our light.  We lose our freshness. We become chores. We turn into naggers. We stop paying attention to ourselves for the attention of others. We can not save them.  We can only love them from a distance until they are able to identify love and receive it…and that may not be with you.

We can not destroy ourselves in the process of building another person up..because there’s no room for the weak once that person is strong and able. Will you have the strength to carry on, or will you be too mentally unavailable to carry on?

Stranger

I know you…
I’ve met you many times before while passing along the seasons
You look different all the time
Different shade, different tone, different place, different zone
different situation, different perception, different deception, different manipulation.

You almost fooled me.

I know you…even if I don’t know you…
because I’ve been in the exact same place before..
Reminiscent melodies
Same disappointment, same sadness, same tragedy, same madness
same situation, same end result, same rejection, same punch lines

You almost fooled me…

And if I hadn’t met you many times before
I wouldn’t have known.
that the manifestation of you would be the death of me.
So I’ll wave goodbye and wish you well.
Stranger…

Easy Cum, Easy Go

Last night I had a few friends over, and I started having a really nice conversation with one particular guy. We were discussing personal characteristics of one another, and then that’s when the conversation changed. He asked me: “Do you want to know what I think of you?”

I was intrigued! Of course I wanted another person’s opinion of me, especially that from a man’s perspective. He asked me not to get offended or upset, and I welcomed the honesty (regardless of how I would be feeling).He went on to tell me about how I’m strong and powerful….then that’s when the clouds started to roll in…..”but sometimes, in my opinion, you seem easy.” I was shocked! Easy!  Excuse me?!

He went on to explain to me how my actions show men that I may potentially be “DTF”. He went on to tell me that my friendly, flirtatious nature often gave men the impression that without much effort they could hook up with me. I argued that I’m sensual and intelligent, witty, not slutty. I don’t make inappropriate raunchy comments (ok sometimes I do). This is just who I am! Keep in mind that I’m naturally a nice person who enjoys flirting sometimes and being free-spirited…and then he told me simply that I “needed to choose who I’m nice to and keep others at a distance.”  As much as it made sense, it made me question….what kind of playing field am I in where I can’t be my normal self without someone thinking they can receive something from me? Because the last thing I want is for someone to think maliciously of me. When did women become “easy,” just because they respect people and enjoy having conversations with men? Just because we flirt doesn’t mean we want to fuck you, maybe we just enjoy a damn conversation from another human being. When did men, if this observation is true, become so self-centered and spoiled to believe that flirtation means something more than delightful, colorful conversation? I told my friend that it’s a shame that I just can’t be myself, and he simply told me: “you can be yourself around a certain person not everyone.”

But the rebel in me tells me NO! I don’t want to conform to male standards. If a man assumes that he can have sex with me from a flirty conversation I welcome him to willing try so that I can be the first to hurt his feelings with a combination of sarcasm, smart-mouth, sass, and bluntness. Call me a new-age woman, but I believe that a woman can be her flirtatious loving self and shouldn’t have to worry about the opposite sex strategizing and dissecting each and every line assuming that she’s being like that because she’s naive. So with that being said, I will continue being myself….but then I thought about it…

Maybe my friend had a point. Perhaps there is line to be drawn where a woman’s flirtation is like a lottery drawing. Assuming…we flirt with people who we have interest in? Right? Isn’t that the point of flirting? Perhaps…then again, I also thought about the fact that some men assume that women are interested just because we act friendly, and in actuality we don’t believe in being stuck up skanks. So we can’t win, right? Either we’re a skank if we don’t speak or we’re a skank if we do engage in conversation…seems like a catch 22…

One thing I took from the conversation is this. People will make assumptions about you based on your appearance and demeanor, even if they don’t know you. But regardless of that, if you stay true to yourself, then maybe you will prove them wrong. Maybe you will challenge their ideas about women and shatter gender roles…even though my friend described me as powerful and strong, he identified a way that I was perceived and felt the need to inform me of this.

Perhaps it’s a good thing to “play a sucka to catch a sucka.” How else are you going to fully get to know someone and their intentions if they have their guards up? If they believe you to be naive and “easy,” then they assume they can manipulate you. They will try…and I will be able to distinguish who is full of it and who isn’t. And I’ll sit waiting silently like a black widow in the shadows, waiting, for the right time to strike.

A Simple Conversation…

I’m the absolute shit….

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I was destined to float above the pavement.  I was destined to soar beyond the earth that housed the mediocre.  As a matter of fact, I was born with my nose up in the air. That’s how I came out of the womb. Born on January 18th 1988, I couldn’t think of a better day my parents could have brought me into the world…January is the month that brings about new change. That’s what I do.  I change shit for the better. I’m effortless.  I don’t need a dance class to dance like Debbie Allen. My body is dance! My body is music that moves through your ears whenever you hear me. I am the emotion you feel when you hear the 808’s through your speakers.  That’s me whispering, and you couldn’t even fathom what my symphonies sound like. I’m so talented it would be an absolute shame to showcase it for material goods. Only the worthy should be able to experience such greatness. Experiencing my grace is like winning the lottery.  One in a million..If you’re lucky enough to win, I’ll take about half of your worth and leave you wanting more than what you originally received. Give me something to do, and I’ll do it ten times better than you. That’s a fact. I breezed through college with minimal effort, graduated with a 3.8 both in undergrad and graduate school…I’ve experienced love and heartache more than a Keyshia Cole album, just to come out a better woman than before… Now that the boasting is over, I’ll explain the cause of this arrogance.  I was challenged by a friend of mines to write a short biography about my accomplishments in the most arrogant way possible. As I sat stumped on this paragraph, I noticed that it was difficult for me to be “arrogant.”  Why was it so hard for me to acknowledge my accomplishments in an extremely confident way without feeling ashamed of doing so?  Even though, according to my friend, I have every valid reason to be arrogant.  It got me thinking.  I was so uncomfortable with letting the world know that my accomplishments were great.  Upon further deep thinking with the help of my friend, I found this out..I was not able to feel arrogant and comfortable with boasting about my accomplishment because I devalued them. How come I didn’t feel like the things I’ve accomplished in my life are valuable?  My friend asked me if my accomplishments could be considered worthy if I were the first to do them or discover something.  I agreed. I told him major accomplishments to me are those that have great impacts…and then he brought something to my attention by asking me How great are the small impacts….

And it hit me…. Sometimes you’ve got to appreciate everything in your life that define who you are as a whole. You have to tell yourself that the things you’ve done are great, and be proud of those things. If I put my focus on the lives that I’ve touched while working in my profession, I would shout to the sky how much I love what I do.  I thought to myself, I’ve always focused on what I don’t have…I’ve always been focused on what’s next that I never get the time to focus on what I have…and how those things affect me and others around me…After talking to my friend, I felt peaceful..I felt proud…I felt happy to tell the world… I may not be a millionaire.  I may not drive a fancy car. I may not have everything that I want, but you know what….I’m fucking awesome! I worked my ass off to obtain three degrees in effort to dedicate my blood, sweat, and tears to helping people become better people. I am PROUD to be selfless, and give myself whole-heartedly to people to make them better people and live better lives. I am proud to tell someone to their face that I save lives, what the fuck do you do?

The Shit’s Chess, Not Checkers

Quote from the movie “Training Day”

Chess is a very strategic game.  Time consuming. Calculative. Every single move you make is important because it affects your next move.  It affects your outcome.

Checkmate….

Sounds a lot like relationships nowadays. Everyone is calculating their loses, their moves, every step of the way…in fear of the possibility of losing their most power pieces…themselves….The fear of being hurt by someone is so strong that we will even hurt people in the process of protecting ourselves by any means necessary.  We will lie to others, and even ourselves, to avoid losing control….but, is it really worth it?

We’ve become so fearful of loving that we don’t know how to allow people to love us.  We’ve been hurt, and we continue the cycle of hurting others just to remain in control (or at least we think so).  We grow up and experience the world with people hurting us…We are socialized to hurt each other. I think that after a while when you’ve been hurt and afraid for so long it becomes your game plan. It becomes your answer to life.  You see the world through fear.  How can you really truly receive someone’s love if you aren’t used to giving or receiving it? I say that to say this…

We should stop being afraid to be vulnerable with others.  We should embrace the fact that we love and love hard.  What an amazing feeling it is to connect with someone and share one of the most amazing things in the world. Think of the last time you found yourself connecting with someone…you could feel the energy flowing through your body. It feels all warm and fuzzy. You’re ecstatic. But then something happens. You begin to question. You become afraid. You attempt to turn that off.  Let’s face it.  We are not robots that can turn our emotions on and off.  Although we have some control over our thoughts and actions, sometimes we can not ignore our natural feelings.  When we ignore our natural feelings, we do something to ourselves.  We limit our capabilities. We bottle up our feelings.  We create anxiety. We create assumptions. We hallucinate. What happens when you capture a tiger from its natural habitat and put it inside of a cage? When you finally let that tiger out to breathe, he just might maul a few people. He will be delirious and confused.  He can not adapt to the new environment (without help).  He may not know that his actions were wrong because in his natural habitat, that is how he survived. He was taught from an early age to hunt and kill.  That’s how the tiger was raised. It’s only after that the tiger realizes that something is really wrong because he receives punishment. And although he receives the punishments and is able to understand that something is wrong, he doesn’t necessarily understand it. When we stop ourselves from experiencing raw gifts of life, we become like caged animals. We become robots calculating our every move to ensure that we get life right…Let me know how this has been working out for you…From my experience, it clouds my judgement even when I think I’m being “careful.” It can make you miss the rare opportunities of receiving something so special and pure. How many of you have come across a special person in your life that made you feel good, but for some reason, you just couldn’t find it in your heart to be raw and real with them. No secrets, no game plan, no fear, just raw emotions?  Was your mind so jaded that perhaps you couldn’t SEE how much of a good thing you had?

Are we so focused on getting it right that we get it wrong?

Is it so bad to give your love to someone without reservation? I’m not saying not to be smart and make rational decisions.  I’m talking about embracing your ability to FEEL.  Why is it that we are so afraid of telling someone that we love them or care about them?  Who is to say that a certain amount of time determines that? Who is to say that you can not connect with a person the same day and not feel an eternity of happiness?  Who made these rules? Are these rules stopping us from truly being happy.  Last time I checked, everyone’s relationships are fucked. Everyone is giving everyone advice when they themselves are in dysfunctional relationships.  When are we going to do something different and make our own rules, between two people, who are fearless and honest about their intentions and expectations.  Is it really that bad to tell that woman that she drives you insane every time her name pops up in your head? Is it really that bad to express to a man that you’re looking for love and you’re wondering if he would be interested in exploring it with you? All these moves…seems more like a maze of “if-I-do-this-she’ll be like that-and-he-will-think-this” nonsense. We just end up confusing ourselves, and we miss out…

So, next time you find yourself being in your feelings…be true to yourself for a minute. Remember that being true to yourself isn’t for the other person, but for you.  It’s for clarification. It’s for fulfillment. If the person you are sharing with doesn’t receive your voluntary vulnerability, then they don’t deserve it.  They are probably stuck in their own jaded mindset, and can not give you what is most important anyway… How can you truly connect with someone if you aren’t willing to be vulnerable?  If you aren’t willing to live truthfully and allow yourself the opportunity to be in control of what you want by being raw and real.  Just because Anthony has dated five women who have all been gold-digging hussies doesn’t mean that the next woman you date is like those women.  Anthony lives in his own perception of love, and has his own expectations and assumptions.  We are who we attract. Living, exploring, and being bold is how you find out who is your counterpart. Aren’t you willing to sacrifice a few pawns to put you in a better position? To weed out the liars, foes, and bullshitters? And this isn’t necessarily strategic, but more organic.  Move on and allow those people to mask themselves in the deceptive game like everyone else does.  Who is to say that you have to always follow the game….

Rules are made to be broken, and when they are, sometimes you win…

Sometimes Is Always Necessary

Sometimes you’ve got to say goodbye to some things.
Sometimes you’ve got to make room.
And sometimes you’ve got to do some deep cleaning.
Sometimes you’ve got to downsize to make room for more…
And sometimes you’ve got to get rid of everything and start from scratch.
Sometimes you have to let people go. Sometimes you’ve got to fight for people to stay,
Sometimes you have to mask the truth, even though the truth always comes out anyway.
Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself.
Sometimes you have to stop being in denial….
Sometimes you have to surrender…or keep fighting for what you believe in…
Sometimes you’ve got to work a little harder…
And sometimes you’ve got to wait for your reward….
Sometimes God doesn’t give you what you need right when you ask for it….
Sometimes that special person has been in your life the entire time while you were searching for love….and sometimes that special person was someone with whom you crossed paths with earlier in your life.
Sometimes you have to tell that person that they do not belong in your life anymore because you realize they were “seasonal” and not permanent..
Sometimes you have to tell that person that you’d like them to be apart of your life.
Sometimes you have to break someone’s heart.
Sometimes you have to be heartbroken…
And sometimes you have to pick up the pieces and rebuild in order to be better…
Sometimes you come out stronger….sometimes your structure only lasts for so long and you break again..and again…
Sometimes you’ve got to change the process…and sometimes the process changes you.
Sometimes you’ve got to say “fuck it,” and just do it. And sometimes that may backfire but sometimes you just having to fuckin’ do it.
Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the world in order to find yourself.
Sometimes you’re comfortably uncomfortable.
Sometimes you have to be real uncomfortable in order to ignite change in your life.
Sometimes you have to start that fire using barely anything at all..
Sometimes you have to make that decision that may upset other people…
Sometimes you have to say “yes” and sometimes you have to say “no.”
Sometimes you have to apologize even when you don’t want to.  Sometimes pride gets in the way of success.
Sometimes you’ve got to kiss him/her when the universe feels right..
Sometimes you’ve got to leave the past behind you, and use it as a reference not a barrier.
Sometimes you’ve got to live in the moment and not in the future…and sometimes you’ve got to dream about your future so you presently live in glory.
Sometimes you’ve got to experience loneliness in effort to appreciate being together.
Sometimes you have to establish the difference between being content and settling.

And even though we sometimes have to do these things, just remember that you ALWAYS have a choice. 

Untitled.

Trapped inside of my enchantment
cropped-10653645_10153169279307571_8072257886875050002_n2.jpgHe doesn’t understand the depth of his death
The magnetism inside of my mysticism…
He never saw it coming…

Sweet Sir Greendown, I tried to warn you…
while uncontrollably pulling you into my space
I can admit I’m ashamed…

I’m lifted by my own grandiosity and pleasure
of knowing that you belong to me even if I don’t belong to you.